7.19.2011

Why So Few Black Women Marry White Men

I agree with [Ankhesen]. The question of this topic should be: "Why so few Black women marry White Men."

There are plenty White men around the world ( including me) who want to marry a decent Black lady, but its so difficult to find one who could be interested in a serious relationship with a White male… Or at least, I’ve had this experience…

Not every man necessarily wants a Black Lady who is so beautiful like Rihanna, Gabrielle Union, Naomi Campbell, Iman, etc. I’d just like a decent Black lady with good heart, even if she’s divorce[d] or with one little child.


~ commenter Matt*, on Abagond's "Why So Few White Men Marry Black Women II"
Abagond started this series a while back and every few months or so, the debate reignites.  For me, the title alone made me lose interest right away because once again, it was all about white men, what they want, what they think, and how dire the overall situation is for black women.

In the end, it's not about physical appearance or having mixed kids.  Humans have been mixing for thousands of years; white men have desired black women since they first laid eyes on us.  It's not about the physical, and never has been, so people need to just kill that argument now.

It's about dealing.

A white man who finds black women attractive (and isn't bothered by the thought of having mixed kids) but hesitates to marry one hesitates because he doesn't want to deal with the world.  He doesn't want to deal with all the extra questions, comments, looks and overall unnecessary additional stress which he, as a white heterosexual male in American society, has never had to deal with before.  He doesn't want to deal with his family, his friends, their friends, his coworkers, his bosses, and random strangers.  Like most humans, he prefers the path of least resistance.

However, a black woman living in these disunited states who finds Tom Felton white men attractive but hesitates to marry one does so for very different reasons.  First of all, "dealing with the world" is nothing new for her.  She was born into a society where the unnecessary additional stress automatically came with the you're-not-welcome basket.  So when she meets a white guy she finds attractive but declines going out with, it's because she doesn't want to deal with him.  She doesn't want to deal with whatever rot he's got buried inside and doesn't know about.  She doesn't want to take the risk that he's ultimately a weakling who can't deal with the harsh realities of the world.  She doesn't want to have to educate him on things that he should have already taught himself.  Like most humans, she too prefers the path of least resistance.

Now here's where most people jump onto the black woman and tell her she should risk it all for love.  Um...no.  I say we should encourage black women to marry more white American men the day we see white American parents - in droves - urging their sons to ignore society and marry more black women.

Recommended

Contemplating "Unfortunate Truths and Opinions"
Shattered Pedestal
Nichelle Gregory's interview with Tobi Mann
Just Like Me Couples

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*"Matt" is a white European man, by the way.  I know the "differences" will be pointed out here.

63 comments:

  1. THIS!

    She doesn't want to deal with whatever rot he's got buried inside and doesn't know about.

    THIS!

    She doesn't want to take the risk that he's ultimately a weakling who can't deal with the harsh realities of the world.

    and THIS!

    She doesn't want to have to educate him on things that he should have already taught himself.

    Ankh... with these three sentences you have completely summed up my reasons for not dating much in general, no matter the race. I simply can not afford to deal with men who have not fixed themselves.

    But in regards to white males, I have all of this ALWAYS in the forefront of my mind. We live in a society that designates them "the chosen ones" regardless of deficiency. I have never dated a white male but have associated with them and with there being a mutual attraction from time to time. There always was a dead stop in seeing anything more because those that I have encountered have always had some colossal rot that was revealed with further conversation.

    ReplyDelete
  2. "I say we should encourage black women to marry more white American men the day we see white American parents - in droves - urging their sons to ignore society and marry more black women."

    [bows to the mistress]

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ankh... with these three sentences you have completely summed up my reasons for not dating much in general, no matter the race.

    In three sentences, huh? *blushes*

    Damn, Abagond coulda saved himself some trouble, rather than writing a series spanning years.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've been enjoying reading Abagond for a while now. But years??? I don't have that type of patience.

    ReplyDelete
  5. @ Neo-Prodigy

    Is there any new Tom Felton goodness? I just saw the last HP film and starting to get a hankering all over again.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Let me check my database, and I'll see what I can find for you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I've noticed the whole "why white men won't whatever" trend myself. On one hand I want to say that it's because Abagond is male that he's taking it from that perspective but seriously This whole society is arranged on what the white male wants and needs. Which for me is a deterrent in dating a white man anyway.

    I've dated white men in the past and while one of them totally passed the color test the other one only passed superficially. He was a teacher and a community activist and was all about black people. Perfect right? Wrong. Things would happen and he couldn't recognize at the time that they might be racially motivated. Ultimately his parents didn't like me. They didn't like "The way I said things" which to me sounds like culture clash because I went out of my way to be demure and polite around them (I really liked this guy) but he couldn't see it and by then i was sick of his shit so I was gone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It probably wasn't either any "way" you said anything but the fact that it was SAID at all, period, coming from someone without the requisite white skin. I get that one all the time. I don't have any Southern "accent" or barely a "Canadian" one at that, so it's not the "WAY" I said anything it's the fact that it was SAID, period. I guess I say and do things only white-skinned people have any business saying or doing, period. Starting, usually, with "I went to Yale..."

      Delete
  8. This whole society is arranged on what the white male wants and needs.

    Exactly. It's this attitude of needing white acceptance, proving one's self to whites, and feeling worried about not being their #1 sidekick, rather than shrugging and saying, "Um...fuck 'em."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly. Black women don't need to prove themselves to anyone. We are worth more than this bullshit.

      Delete
  9. I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS POST
    I just got out of a relationship with a white man for reasons beyond our control, and while he was one of the most racially aware White men I have ever met, I get the feeling that I found a unicorn cuz I think he might be the only one out there. That is my reason for giving White men the side eye. I don't avoid them, but they have to pass the same litmus test you wrote and if they don't he's out. Unfortunately more than not, he's gone.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Right on, sista. Right on.

    ReplyDelete
  11. “A white man who finds black women attractive (and isn't bothered by the thought of having mixed kids) but hesitates to marry one hesitates because he doesn't want to deal with the world. He doesn't want to deal with all the extra questions, comments, looks and overall unnecessary additional stress which he, as a white heterosexual male in American society, has never had to deal with before. He doesn't want to deal with his family, his friends, their friends, his coworkers, his bosses, and random strangers. Like most humans, he prefers the path of least resistance.”

    bcbgrl33 said...
    “…while he was one of the most racially aware White men I have ever met, I get the feeling that I found a unicorn cuz I think he might be the only one out there.”

    I guess it can be said that most white men are lacking in empathy. For very few (if any) are truly able to feel what a non-white feels because in his whole span of existence it’s always been about him. For growth, he must carefully weigh the stares, the whispers- the vibes his Nubian partner is sure to receive from family members and friends. If he’s unable to see life from her point of view; feel her hurt and share in her apprehension then he is unworthy of her favor.

    He should to be a fortified tower. He should be unwavering in his love for her and have thick skin. He must be quick to support and defend her “In All Matters,” just as he would for her white counterpart. It means checking his ego at the door; divorcing himself from any situation where he is lauded as “being the better,” for consorting outside of his race. A honed sensitivity to slights most black women pick up on but white people downplay is a must. This kind of white man is very hard to find. I know of one man in particular (My former Pastor) and he is like a father to me. He’s been married to my dearest friend (a black woman) for more than 35 years. He is the very epitome of integrity. I’ve known him for a good twenty of those years (as favored son) and they don’t make em any better. But I understand what you’re saying.

    ReplyDelete
  12. "She doesn't want to deal with whatever rot he's got buried inside and doesn't know about. She doesn't want to take the risk that he's ultimately a weakling who can't deal with the harsh realities of the world. She doesn't want to have to educate him on things that he should have already taught himself."

    Exactly why I'm not interested in white men at this point. Half white guys and all other guys can holla, though. Unfortunately, I only attract white guys. I think it's some cruel joke the universe is playing on me.

    ReplyDelete
  13. @M.Gibson,

    Well said.

    ReplyDelete
  14. All I can add is Amen.....

    ReplyDelete
  15. You are a great writer.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Tashabilities7/20/11, 12:52 PM

    This blog is everything I've ever said about dating white men.

    Thank you for existing, K. I really appreciate you!

    ReplyDelete
  17. He should to be a fortified tower. He should be unwavering in his love for her and have thick skin. He must be quick to support and defend her “In All Matters,” just as he would for her white counterpart. It means checking his ego at the door; divorcing himself from any situation where he is lauded as “being the better,” for consorting outside of his race. A honed sensitivity to slights most black women pick up on but white people downplay is a must. This kind of white man is very hard to find.

    Exactly. And for BW out there who are in happy relationships with WM, and feel completely secure with them, good for you. But understand that your white guy is not the norm. As Bcbgirl points out, such a man is a "unicorn"...which, now that I think about it, is getting added to the next Lexicon.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Just look at Nita 'Jade' Hanson. She shouldn't have had to call anyone for advise on dealing with racist neighbours. Her husband should have stepped in without prompting and defended his wife. All he proved was that he can talk the talk, but not walk the walk.

    ReplyDelete
  19. She shouldn't have had to call anyone for advise on dealing with racist neighbours. Her husband should have stepped in without prompting and defended his wife.

    He didn't even correct his own family members.

    *sighs and shakes head* The things some people will put up with just to be married.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I don't have the patience, nope not even for love, to do the work an open-minded mother (and father) should have done. I can't pretend the world is colour blind when it comes to anything else, how could I do it on a daily basis with my lover

    That said, there are white men who are aware of their white and their male-privilege. Well I've read about them anyway.

    Really enjoyed your article

    ReplyDelete
  21. I talk to all men. But I notice many men of different races do this. I dated a black guyanese man from my college. While we were dating I told him about a teacher who made blatantly racist remarks, he told me I should ignore it.

    Mind you this the same boy who acted all "blacker than thee" when I told him that my hair was flat ironed and not naturally strait(he thought it was). He told me I should be proud of who I was and told me I should get my hair locked.{his hair was locked}

    I told him I wasnt ashamed of who I was and I liked locks but they just werent my style. "What difference does it make? Hair is hair." He disagreed,saying that I believed in a white standard of beauty.

    He was pretty pretentious and smug that way but I was a freshman and he had a killer smile and outside of that we shared many common interests and had alot of fun together so....i let it go. We would have debates/discussions like this alot part of why I liked him.

    Anyway me and a few people in the class decided to make a formal complaint against this professor. We knew that she might retaliate but we were fed up and didnt care.

    When I told him what I did to try and resolve the situation he got upset with me. He told me I should have "played the game" and kept my mouth shut. "Whats one semester versus the rest if tour life huh? What if she fails you?"

    He was a strait up bitch about the whole thing. I said" Im not the only one who complained.And even if she does fail me, which she can't do. Ill file another complaint. And Ill go to the dean and show him my quizzes and tests."

    The dean did ask to see me and the other students and he was quite sypathetic, much to my surprise. The professor took sensitivity training, and she did fail me but the dean overruled it. I had to take her before the board though.

    No thanks to that fool. When I told him about the non passing grade he said "Well you tried to get her fired, what did you expect? You should have stayed quiet."

    I said "She tried to get herself fired when she opened her mouth without caring what she said. She even admitted she was wrong and.apologized in front of the dean and then she pulls this bs? Why are you treating me like I was the one who did something wrong"

    We...broke up after that. Sadly hes not the only Poc on that campus like that. Its just that for all his talk about pride he didnt seem to have very much when it came down to it. Or empathy for that matter.

    I think many men are weak this way. We weren't seriously in love but I expected him to have my back or at least understand and it hurt when he just brushed my feelings aside so callously.Nevermind the way he condescendingly would lecture me about American blacks and why they can't get ahead.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I don't know what's weak about trying to avoid confrontation. Say you know some fact, and someone claims that you are wrong. Are you going to debate them, or let it slide? I've found it's often easier to let it go.

    I don't know why people have to be angry at everything all the time.

    Who needs the headache?

    BTW, I enjoyed the article.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Student of the World said...
    “While we were dating I told him about a teacher who made blatantly racist remarks, he told me I should ignore it.”

    Here’s the pitch… Strike one!

    @Student of the World...
    “When I told him what I did to try and resolve the situation he got upset with me. He told me I should have "played the game" and kept my mouth shut.”

    The pitcher winds up- the batter swings…. Strike two!!

    @Student of the World...
    “No thanks to that fool. When I told him about the non-passing grade he said "Well you tried to get her fired, what did you expect? You should have stayed quiet."”

    The pitch is delivered… it’s a fastball, low and inside.
    Strike three! He's out!!

    Student of the World said...
    “We...broke up after that. Sadly he’s not the only Poc on that campus like that. Its just that for all his talk about pride he didn’t seem to have very much when it came down to it. Or empathy for that matter.”

    Pride can be roughly translated as: an inordinate love of the self. He had it alright… he was simply more involved with himself than he was with you. Many young men tend to be roughly hewn and frayed about the edges. They can be extremely selfish as well. The remedy of course (in some cases) is maturity. Likewise I agree… the young man was thoroughly lacking in empathy. But be encouraged; it was his loss not yours. Best you found out the way you did before the relationship flourished. Aside from his killer smile (as you put it) he had little going for him in the way of character. That’s the real gem.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I don't know what's weak about trying to avoid confrontation. Say you know some fact, and someone claims that you are wrong. Are you going to debate them, or let it slide? I've found it's often easier to let it go.

    What you're describing is one thing. To be racially attacked/abused/mistreated/disrespected and just let it side is whole different ball game.

    And speaking of ball games, nice one, M. Gibson!!!

    Thanks to everyone who enjoyed the article.

    ReplyDelete
  25. @ M Gibson

    LOL. Yes it was very much like that. But as far as men "not dealing", well then they aren't men to me.

    ReplyDelete
  26. @ M Gibson
    Yes. Live and learn. LOL

    ReplyDelete
  27. M.Gibson pretty muches summed it all up. White men who can handle relationships with women of color are rare. I've dated two of those rare gems and while we weren't meant to be, one thing became quite clear; when you are born into white privilege and surrounded by it at every turn your whole life, it takes actual WORK to become self aware & unconditioned from the mind set that white is right or white is the norm. Most white people don't want to do the work, because its hard, its stressful, it might mean calling out friends and family, or even cutting friends and family from your life. But most of all they don't want to do it because they don't have to. They live in a society that caters to them financially, socially, And even on entertainment levels . White men have to be willing to give up some of these comforts to truly be with black women. They have to want the same life for their women that they want for themselves.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Most white people don't want to do the work, because its hard, its stressful, it might mean calling out friends and family, or even cutting friends and family from your life. But most of all they don't want to do it because they don't have to.

    Flawlessly stated.

    ReplyDelete
  29. maybe this is off topic but i'm a african american male and while it seems to me a almost daily opportunity to date and ultimately mate with a white female.

    i don't nor have i ever ,nor do i intend to.

    My reasons are many but to name a few ,just like white men,this society caters to the white female.

    she's considered the best regardless of any individual qualities.

    But my biggest problem is not just the rest of the world,but their and therefor her place in this world and how it was achieved as Ankhesen Mié,Brotha Wolf and Abagond to name just 3 blogs out of numerous books,articles,talks and films spanning multiple topics have showned.

    To expect me to "fall in love" or even have affection knowing a fourth of what I know, with a light or white woman ,borders on insanity.

    Then add my daily experience of abuse and mistreatment.

    And then add all the black women potentially available to me and the question becomes why?

    why do i even need to consider this?

    Yes their probably are kind compassionate honorable as well as attractive white ,latino(white and black),asian(white and black) ,light skinned african and african american
    women out there and yes it has been happening in spite of everything for thousands of years.

    The question still is why ,esp in these days and times.
    And for those who choose to throw up the obama presidency bullshit - so your saying as long as we african americans Have been in this country it took a african man from africa and a globe trodding white women to give us something we should had at less 30 years ago!!?

    and that's our most pressing need ,not the fact that black americans are at the top of every negative stat and the bottom of every positive one.

    maybe its because of an agenda,a policy of a group of people to maintain dominance and control by whatever means.

    In Dr.Frances Cress Welsings book the ISIS Papers she discussed and warned of such liaisons,however her work has been marginalized and is considered pseudo science.

    I could go on but I hope you all get my message,dispute how it may seem some of us men are dealing with the same issue.
    to "Student of the World" your former boyfriend was a punk and so of course he could not even empathize with your struggle.

    And while I too have my problems with sisters processing their hair ,I have enough experience(now) to know that it is rarely ever your choice alone excluding the coercion of the white society.
    And I've begun to notice some sisters with processed hair that looks better than a lot of white women with natural straight hair.
    go figure
    Love my distant family..

    ReplyDelete
  30. "I say we should encourage black women to marry more white American men the day we see white American parents - in droves - urging their sons to ignore society and marry more black women."

    Beautifully stated and so on point, Ankhesen! Great post and thanks for the mention! :^)

    ~Nichelle

    ReplyDelete
  31. I don't buy the crap I've read on various blogs because I know the types of reactions I get from men on the street. That tells me more than what any man esp a man writing about a group he is not part of, thinks.

    I'm every decent looking woman here has been of various races eyeballing her on a daily bases.

    ReplyDelete
  32. "I say we should encourage black women to marry more white American men the day we see white American parents - in droves - urging their sons to ignore society and marry more black women."

    A lot of them are. That what they mean when they say "find someone you really love". And the same advice applies to black women. Don't marry a man because he's white, but marry him because you really love him, regardless of whatever race he is.

    ReplyDelete
  33. @ AndyChow

    A lot of them are. That what they mean when they say "find someone you really love".

    What a crock of shit.

    ReplyDelete
  34. @ andychow. While saying marry someone you love may seem like encouraging a person to marry anyone regardless of race; for a lot of white in my personal experience, it means find someone you love who is white. I believe that ankhesen mie is trying to say that more white parents need to teach their sons to ignore stereotypes and social predjudices and stand up for black women as women. Teach them to defend black women against racial slurs and ignorant folks they may encounter in their neighborhoods, work places and even from other family members. But above all else, look at black women the same way they would look at white women they might be interested in dating. As real women worthy of love affection and value, not substitute women you screw on the down low and drop at the first sign of resistance from society, or your friends. Despite how it may seem there are still many many people who are predjudice against interacial dating and white men/black women couples are going to have a different set of obstacles than black men/white women couples due to how black women are viewed by society as a whole and how media portrays black women. Any white guy who want to date,love and eventually marry a black woman will have to be prepared for these obstacles and having racial and societal awareness taught to them from youth by their. Parents would be the best way for them to be prepared for dating non white women.

    ReplyDelete
  35. While saying marry someone you love may seem like encouraging a person to marry anyone regardless of race; for a lot of white in my personal experience, it means find someone you love who is white.

    Bingo!!!! And not just in your experience, love, but a LOT of our experiences.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Really, a crock of sh*t? I'm sorry you feel that way. As a white man, growing up, my mother always told me to follow my heart. And that's what I'm trying to do.

    Forget online, because everything is so fake. But really, if one follows what he/she truly desires, one might end up with their perfect match, being in an interracial relationship or not. And then, if one follows his/her heart, get married, have children, and live on happily ever after, what's the problem?

    Now, if this is bs, please explain it to me. Because I want to know why what I think is so right happens to be so wrong.

    ReplyDelete
  37. As a white man, growing up, my mother always told me to follow my heart. And that's what I'm trying to do.

    Your mother's not the norm. White parents - in droves - are NOT encouraging their sons to bring home black wives.

    ReplyDelete
  38. AndyChow said...
    As a White Man, growing up, my mother always told me to follow my heart. And that's what I'm trying to do.

    Sir, your failure to see life through a POC’s eyes is the problem. Life is not as care-free and simple as you make it out to be.

    From above: “A white man who finds black women attractive (and isn't bothered by the thought of having mixed kids) but hesitates to marry one hesitates because he doesn't want to deal with the world.”

    Again Ankhesen Mié states:
    "Most white people don't want to do the work, because its hard, its stressful, it might mean calling out friends and family, or even cutting friends and family from your life. But most of all they don't want to do it because they don't have to."

    From a POC’s perspective relationships (especially interracial) are infinitely more complicated. Follow your heart yes, but if the woman you fall in love with is not white, then follow her lead as well as her instincts. Fight for what you believe in yes... but better yet-- Fight for Her. As in most situations, white parents desire white grandbabies, because life’s a whole lot simpler that way. They don't want to have to explain their son's choice in a mate to friends and family no more than he does.

    Bringing home a mate ‘who isn’t white’ can be fraught with complications “for both parties.” Few white men stick around when faced with that kind of stress. No… white parents are not encouraging their children to marry black women; not from where we sit. Halle Berry is still hurting from the racial fallout of her last relationship.

    Just so you know, when it comes to material that depicts interracial relationships here’s what some white parents are teaching their children. Remember, this comes from a site that "Does Not, In Any Way Shape or Form" think its racist.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Hello Ankhesen,
    Im Matt, !Im that man who posted this comments on Abagonds blog. Well, I havent thought that my humble but sincer comments will be discussed on an another forum as well.
    Anyway, Im still looking for a decent Black lady with good hearth for marriage. By the way Im living and working in Britain now. I hope that there is at least a few Black ladies ehere who are open -minded enough to love and marry a White man.
    Unfortunately I havent beet to the USA yet, but Im sure that even there lot of people stopped thinking about the race.

    Matt

    ReplyDelete
  40. @ Matt & AndyChow

    Unfortunately I havent beet to the USA yet, but Im sure that even there lot of people stopped thinking about the race.

    See...this is what I'm talking about. The white way of dealing with racial matters (i.e., not talking about it at home, not ensuring your kids have accurate social and historical knowledge, assuming white peope just "aren't thinking about race") is woefully deficient.

    You want to marry a black woman? Fine. But you can't be a naive man in denial about your society's racial problems. For one, always prepare for the worst. Never assume other whites (or even blacks) are as open-minded as you when it comes to marriage - this is a recipe for disaster. It leaves you and your black significant other open and vulnerable, and depending upon how unlucky you are, that can mean physical harm in addition to verbal abuse.

    ReplyDelete
  41. @ M. Gibson

    Again Ankhesen Mié states:
    "Most white people don't want to do the work, because its hard, its stressful, it might mean calling out friends and family, or even cutting friends and family from your life. But most of all they don't want to do it because they don't have to."


    LOL - I was quoting idiclove

    ReplyDelete
  42. Ankhesen Mié said...
    LOL - I was quoting idiclove

    Oh mercy.
    Please forgive me...

    Matt said…
    Anyway, I’m still looking for a decent Black lady with good heart for marriage. By the way I’m living and working in Britain now. I hope that there is at least a few Black ladies here who are open -minded enough to love and marry a White man. Unfortunately I haven’t been to the USA yet, but I’m sure that even there lot of people stopped thinking about the race.

    Talk about the Great Cultural Divide!
    My apologies Sir Galahad, but should you manage to reach these shores (with your racial ignorance/denial intact) I’m afraid your Quest for the Nubian Grail will fail on multiple levels. Frankly, you make the whole effort sound as if you were on Safari. Most black women are sophisticated enough to pick your scent up way before you make your move.

    ReplyDelete
  43. I love(hate) how PoC perceptions/experiences about race are always brushed aside/invalidated by white people( or PoC who think like white people) in these kinds discussions.

    It's never a discussion. It's always a more or less an overt dismissal.

    Sheeple hate to think about how society may have influenced their preferences/behavior. But they fail to realise that There would be no need for societal conditioning/social engineering if it was voluntary.

    People like AndyChow and Matt look at PoC discussions about race, and referring to their own experiences immediately think: " Well I don't care about race, people I know have never expressed to me that they care about it. I don't think race is a social problem for the majority of people."

    They never stop to actually listen to what PoC are saying because they aren't thinking for themselves at this point. They're being Sheeple. And they don't even realize it. It's like a switch that gets flicked on in their minds every time they even approach discussions about race, never mind racism.

    They never stop to think about why they wouldn't notice racism/inequality. It's not a problem that directly affects them, and since they are the superior everyman it can't be a problem.

    PoC are usually better attuned to social engineering/ societal conditioning it because being blissfully unaware is NOT a realistic option for us. It would come at the cost of us denying our own identities and person hood in order to fit in to society.

    But Sheeple usually deal with it by putting their fingers in their ears and looking the other way. Which is fine when they are running with the herd. But it causes all sorts of problems when they date/marry/procreate with PoC.

    ReplyDelete
  44. People like AndyChow and Matt look at PoC discussions about race, and referring to their own experiences immediately think: " Well I don't care about race, people I know have never expressed to me that they care about it. I don't think race is a social problem for the majority of people."

    Exactly. They have Kumbaya Mentality. They don't want to hear that ignoring the problem/pretending there isn't one doesn't make it go away.

    Thus, when - not if - they and their black SO is attacked, white men like these ill-equipped to defend themselves and their loved ones.

    On the contrast, many white women, when committed to men of color, will move to neighborhoods of color, join churches of color (if they're Christian), and replace most of their friends with women of color. This helps them gain perspective (if they're willing) and gives their children a safer environment.

    This is a fashion tip which wouldn't hurt white guys. I've noticed that white guys who follow that example tend to be less naive and vulnerable.

    ReplyDelete
  45. @ M. Gibson

    My apologies Sir Galahad, but should you manage to reach these shores (with your racial ignorance/denial intact) I’m afraid your Quest for the Nubian Grail will fail on multiple levels.

    Oh, Lawd.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Ankhesen Mié said...
    On the contrast, many white women, when committed to men of color, will move to neighborhoods of color, join churches of color (if they're Christian), and replace most of their friends with women of color. This helps them gain perspective (if they're willing) and gives their children a safer environment.

    In some extreme cases (certainly not all) she’ll even help slay and dismember the mother of his biological children. So that by means of some perverse logic, they become the epitome of the perfect family. No matter the situation... she’ll stand by her man. It would seem both people had a very pressing need to make the mother of those children disappear. The new wife lays claim to her man by vanquishing her rival; while the father (this coward- this piece of slime) seeks to resolve a custody situation and live happily ever after in the Virgin Islands.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Wow, the comments are so mean, lol. Honestly, I expected it. And it's fine. People are entitled to their own opinions and beliefs.

    I won't be moving to a black neighborhood, nor replace my friends, nor change my fashion, anytime soon. Because truly it's not about what other people thing or care.

    It's all about what I want. Always has been, always will be. Anyone who thinks different is naive.

    So close your ears, bury your heads in the sand. It doesn't matter. In the end, I get what I want. I always do. And if that's a beautiful black wife/partner that will also get whatever she wants, and live happily ever after, then so be it. And anyone not liking it can cry me a river.

    ReplyDelete
  48. AndyChow said...
    It's all about what I want. Always has been, always will be. Anyone who thinks different is naive.

    Well I rest my case sir.
    You know… you could have been more honest rather than mask your intent behind the veneer of good intentions. Seems to me you’ve been disingenuous with the host of this blog. Maybe you’re not the self-proclaimed savior of the black woman after all. Maybe you’re a troll who simply has a Fetish For Black Women. Part of a narcissistic effort to keep the narrative revolving around you on blogs like these. You sound eerily similar to this ‘Andy Chow’ on another site frequented by black women.

    Nestled under the thread entitled: The Great Devil Andy Chow! Why Does He Want to Be Here So Bad?

    A Commenter writes:
    "He’s mad at all African American women because of the few he has met who don’t want to sleep with him and the one he dated that decided to leave him, apparently we all have to pay for that. He stated more then once that it is a fetish for him to be with an African American women. He is also insensitive, who would stated that hearing us discus our pain was like hearing an angels voice?“

    Still another poster wrote:
    “I think he had an EXTREMELY low self esteem, but not for sure why it was as low as it was. i think he had racist tendencies toward black men, and also does not respect women of any race. i think he's attracted to this website because it's mostly women, and black women at that. so that would give him a lot of attention from women, and if other people were stealing his attention he would become obnoxious to pull the attention back on him. i think he was living in a fantasy where the site was called lovinandy.com . he probably had high hopes of meeting a black woman on here that he could hook up with. and actually paying money (if he would really go through with it), would secure him a permanent place on the site and do whatever he felt like doing, and saying whatever he felt like saying. if he actually paid for a spot on here HE WOULD BE THEE ROOSTER of the site full of black hens. right up his alley, as indoora said, he had mentioned a couple of times that he had a FETISH for black women.”

    Now if I’m wrong I sincerely apologize; but the Modus Operandi seems to fit. Course if I’m right…

    ReplyDelete
  49. @ M. Gibson

    *bows*

    It's all about what I want. Always has been, always will be. Anyone who thinks different is naive.

    The rapist's (and racist's) mantra.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Ankhesen Mié said...
    The rapist's (and racist's) mantra.

    Amen: as it is written...
    "Thou shalt not suffer a racist Troll to scrawl an ode, opus, or essay; for it is an affront sayeth the lord." From the book of Blog 1:26.

    I've read he likes to change his IP address/identity (If this be he) to trip administrators up. But we trust in your content moderation.

    ReplyDelete
  51. I have never dated a white guy. But, I've read a lot on the matter, from both sides (black men dating white women). And one of the things I know, is that white men are more likely to date someone who shares their interests. Also, no one wants their relationship to be a political statement or debate. And most interracial relationships probably survive by just ignoring the ignorant stares, as opposed to getting into altercations. As with the latter, the relationship would probably become exhausting. I do think that one needs to be able to stand up to his family. That's very important. But black men seem to be able to marry and settle down with white women. And from what I've heard, it's because they don't make the relationship ABOUT race. You may think this is impossible, but it really is not. If you require that the white guy you're with becomes a spokesperson for all black women, then you probably will not do well in an interracial relationship. Because as I've already mentioned: no one wants their relationship to be a political statement or issue. Expecting your white boyfriend to change friends, churches (be less white) for you, is really unrealistic. Expecting him to be willing to say "Mom and Dad, this is who I've chosen," is a realistic and fair expectation. But expecting him to agree with every racial issue, or defend you to every random stare, is probably not realistic for a man of any race. And I suspect if you require such reassurance you're probably not all that comfortable with dating a white male either, and probably shouldn't.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Ariana...what are you talking about?

    ReplyDelete
  53. Your post addresses the issue of why black women and white men don't marry. And in a nutshell, the answer presented is the whole dealing issue. Additional to that, based on what I've read, heard from other non black men, and interracial couples, is that dating a black woman can sometimes be difficult or intimidating because culturally we seem so different. Some white men say at the end of the day, they didn't have enough common interests or their lifestyles were too different. Interracial couples that thrive tend to be ones where the relationship is NOT about race. Or the two people, despite being of two different races, have a lot in common (interests, music, careers, activities, etc). If either person has to give up too much of their identity, the relationship will become burdensome. So this is an additional factor in the why black women don't marry white men question. A strong cultural identity, unembraced by anyone other than her black male counterpart. The exception to that would be a black woman who is more cross cultural in her beliefs and interests. So interracial dating and marriage comes down to more than just physical attraction. It comes down to being able to relate culturally. That's what I'm talking about.

    ReplyDelete
  54. This explanation is muuuuuuch better.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Ariana,

    Hate to point this out, but this right here:

    I have never dated a white guy. But, I've read a lot on the matter, from both sides...

    ...makes everything you said afterwards theoretical, and this:

    And I suspect if you require such reassurance you're probably not all that comfortable with dating a white male either, and probably shouldn't.

    ...is an assumption that you probably shouldn't make. Not when you haven't had actual experience. Just sayin'.

    ReplyDelete
  56. Amaya, I respect and understand your opinion. You're right. I've never had actual experience in the matter. I was just sharing what I've heard from non black men, and what I observed from interracial couples I knew. Thanks for allowing me to share.

    ReplyDelete
  57. "I say we should encourage black women to marry more white American men the day we see white American parents - in droves - urging their sons to ignore society and marry more black women"

    Agree 100%

    As a white male I can say that I had never had any problems with dating a women from another culture. I grew up in a house hold that racism and prejudice was not tolerated. A matter of fact I lost the attraction to white women and found women of other cultures more attractive. I dated Japanese, Chinese, Arabic, Thai, Native American, and Mexicans. But there was no spark when I tried to date a white women. There was nothing there.
    The first time and the only time I dated a black women I new then and there i will marry her. I love her so much and I would die for her. She is my soul mate. We are planning to get married and we just have not set a time yet for the marriage. When she gets back from her Job trip we are going to set everything up.
    My Mom does not have any problem with her and thinks she is very beautiful nor the rest of my family haves any problems with her, I will be the first in my family to marry a women out outside my culture.
    So coming from a man in a interracial relationship (I hate the word race, I usually say culture)I do agree that more white men especially men who have problems dating people within there own culture should go outside there own culture and fine love. There is nothing wrong with dating and marrying people from another culture, and I for one will encourage others to do so. We are all humans after all and it should not really matter who we fall in love with.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Let her know that you love her. She needs to hear it.

      Delete